The snow is falling, and my mind is blank

So I woke up at 1pm today, which is the average time I wake up. Usually it's 12:30pm or sometimes 3pm if I was up really late the other night. I love staying up late; that's the best time for me to think about alot of things. But it can also be really lonely and stressful since my brain loves to overthink everything til I get anxiety and then I can't sleep.

I've been watching these videos on youtube about people who are talking about their experiences in school from grades k-12. This is interesting to me, but really, how the hell do they remember all that? I only remember little bits and pieces, and they are all really traumatizing events. Guess those are the easiest to remember for some reason. I also remember crying alot in school. From kindergarden to 8th grade, I was known as the cry baby and everyone stayed away from me. I think I matured much slower than everyone else, and lived inside my own mind then acting normal like the rest of the kids. I also had to go to counselors and speech classes because I barely talked and when I did, it wasn't "right"

I wasn't a depressed kid though, I just really hated school. At home, I was the happiest, most cheerful little girl ever. But at school, I was moody and hated being around all the other kids. Probably because I was bullied alot. kids just loved to make me cry. They called me "cockroach" on the bus, and I tried to ignore them and tell myself that I am wonderful and adorable, but they still insulted me. I remember being chased by these bullies when I was riding my bike to the park. They called me a fat kid and threw berries and rocks at me. I rode my bike home and cried for hours. My mom ignored me and never really helped me out with any of that.
I hated my counselors. They didn't help me either.

Maybe from the bullying, was the main reason why I locked my voice away and became very anti-social. After elementary school, my emotions were locked away for a while, and when I cried in class, I was very good at hiding it. I was afriad to show my true self because I didn't want to lose friends. Man, middle school sucked balls.

High School was less of a pain. I actually looked good and dated two guys my freshman year. But they were both creepers and none of the relationships lasted longer than a week. I was in alot of honors classes, and my freshman and sophmore year was mainly focused on my studies. I also made alot of friends in choir and went on an awesome cruise with the band kids. Every two years, Wall High School had a band trip which was a four day cruise to Mexico. It was an amazing trip! I loved exploring the ship by myself; actually, I spent 99% of the trip doing everything by myself. I was really content though, because I had no one to tell me no. It was just me and my own curiosity. So in the future, when I traveled, I have this habit of going off by myself and exploring places on my own. Sometimes independence is the best adventure one can ever have. No one else's opinions can ruin your day. Only your own.

Junior year was when I discovered real love. Sadly, the lucky boy I chose didn't love me as much as I loved him. He was also two years younger than me and only had one thing on his mind that I didn't want. That relationship lasted 8 months. I had my first kiss. It tasted like cheetos. And it wasn't romantic at all. We broke up because he wasn't getting any sex from me. And I didn't want to do that. I just wanted someone to love me for me, not because I had a vagina and boobs. I wasted that year with him, and it wasn't that great.

Senior year was depressing for me. I felt like Bella in New Moon. (I was reading the Twilight series before it got popular...yay me)I found a prefect boy right after the previous relationship. I guess you can call this relationship a rebound, because all I wanted was someone to hold me while I cried for months. He was a guitarist, and his music drew me in. I sang, and he played guitar. Perfect right? Wrong. He never spent time with me. It seemed like his best friends took him away from me too. He was too busy working and doing homework. It seemed like I only saw him once a week. I hated it. It felt like he wasn't my boyfriend, but some guy who came around once in a while to hug me and tell me stupid lies in order to make me feel better. I think the only time he showed affection was when I dumped him. He looked like a lost puppy, and it made me smile. I wasted all those months sleeping in my room.

The last few months of my senior year were the best ones. I met Allen in the spring. Everything about him was perfect. He liked me first. He listened to what I wanted to say. And he was the only one who wanted to hang out with me on my 18th birthday. By midnight, we kissed in the rain and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was realllllyyyyyyyyyy happy. But sadly, it was a time when I found out that the fake friends I had didn't give a shit about my feelings. I was in love, and wouldn't shut up about Allen. (I still don't shut up about him, he's that amazing) My ex girlfriends would tell me to shut up and never mention Allen again. That was when I realized that they weren't real friends at all. Real friends would be happy for me. They would say nice things, not shut up. I left all those people and went to Allen. He said nice things to me, and helped me get over my extreme neuroticism. I graduated a virgin. I was happy with the one I loved, and left all the bitched I thought were my friends. I was free.

Now I have new friends, Allen's friends. They accept me as their own. They are caring and extremely nice. They think my relationship is one of the best they've seen. I've been with Allen for about 2 years now, and it's not going to end anytime soon. We get along really well.

I am happy now, but still kinda sad. I'm slowly getting better everyday though. I keep telling myself that my old life was crap and this new one is a huge improvment. I'm still really cynical and my confidence is still really low, but I have real friends to make me feel better.

I'm at Brookdale and hate it since there is no one to talk to, but when I transfer to Rutgers, I know I'll have better friends to help me get through.

And the best thing is that I still have myself; and I can still explore independently without fear of other peoples' opinions. I only have my own opinion, which is nothing to fear.